The Book of the Excommunicate

Attending Catholic schools my whole life, I never received a true comprehensive sex education. In 5th grade, we started to learn about the process of sexual reproduction but it was a very quick synopsis. The experience involved separating boys and girls into different classrooms with different lesson plans. As one of the boys, I got the male perspective from one of the only male teachers in the school. The lessons gave a very general perspective on sex. We learned that a penis penetrating a vagina produced babies and that the act of sex was a symbol of love that God created for the confines of marriage. There were no pictures in the textbook that I can recall, only vague drawings. I remember boys laughing along with our teacher at some things. Ultimately, I was still confused by all of it.

The biological processes of sexual stimulation and ejaculation were not fully fleshed out. Not that I was looking to learn to have sex at 11 years-old, it was just a lot to take in and I did not understand what I was being taught. I do not think we were taught at too young of an age. I believe we were not taught enough. For instance, the boys did not get an overview of the female reproductive system. They only learned that women have vaginas instead of penises. Additionally, they were told that women produce eggs for sperm cells to unite with. This is obviously a very crude overview of sex organs and also does not take into account non-binary people. We did not learn about the anatomy of the vulva, or about menstruation. In a Catholic setting these topics were heavily controlled to the detriment of us students. I believe sexuality can and should be explored by consenting people and religious dogma gets in the way of that.

Learning more about female anatomy would have had positive effects on my own sexual experiences. Since sex is viewed as sacred by the Catholic Church and reserved for marriage, they don’t teach you the mechanics of how to have satisfying sex. My first time with a girl I had no idea what I was doing, I had no idea how to understand my body’s signals, and I had no idea how to help my partner achieve sexual satisfaction. Having an understanding of the clitoris and arousal stages would have helped make the experience more enjoyable, but alas sex is only for procreation and love-making according to the Church.

Teaching boys about the female sex organs would also help raise awareness of women’s issues. Specifically, boys need to learn about menstruation. This knowledge will help them understand what the women in their lives go through. For example, when I was in 7th grade a girl had her period in class and to put it lightly, left menstrual fluid on her seat. When the class bells changed, a boy who was going to sit in her seat screamed, “What is that!” and refused to sit after our teacher cleaned the seat. The teacher did not comment at all on the situation, she just cleaned it up and moved on to teach class. I remember though that the girl who had the accident ended up running to the bathroom and crying and eventually had to be picked up and taken home.

No girl should have to be embarrassed about menstruation, especially around boys. But Catholic schools and public schools in general don’t do enough to educate kids on naturally occurring processes. If I had known better I would have been more consoling to my classmate.

Sex needs to be taught more comprehensively to all kids, but it also does not need to feel pushed. Abstinence-only teaching does not work. However, it is important to explain to kids that no one should have to do anything that makes them uncomfortable. People can be asexual and people can be very sexually active. As long as people are consenting and not doing harm to themselves, sex can be a fulfilling part of life.

Sex education also needs to take into account the lived experiences of kids. I had the experience of being taught purity culture up through high school then listened to a lecture on consent my first week of college. The lecture was important, the objective obviously to encourage safe, consensual sex. However, someone like me who was not a virgin but scarred because I thought I was going to hell was shocked at what they said. One of the speakers said, “Oral sex can be awesome, anal sex can be awesome!” and I was floored at the notion of someone telling me these acts were permissible. Today, I look back and say yeah that’s all fine as long as its consensual, but it also did not take into account people who may not feel comfortable pursuing those acts. Sure no should be ever coerced into sexual activity, but not having interest in something that other people did made me feel inadequate and socially isolated in a sense. Additionally, sexual assault survivors may feel triggered by the content when they should be made to feel safe. Reassuring that people who are not ready or uncomfortable should be respected would have gone a long way for a kid like me.

Ultimately, Catholic sex education is inadequate and we need to have a reckoning on a national level on how we teach sex from a secular point of view. Body shaming is another issue that was not talked about in my education. Whether it be a person’s breast or nipple size, or the shape and size of their penis, or the shape and size of their vulva, everyone is unique and deserves to be treated with respect. I feel this is something missing in general from sex education. Of course, showing scores of images of private parts to kids is not an appropriate solution. However, just having the dialogue that everyone’s body is unique can help. This conversation can give confidence to those who may struggle with their body image.

Pornography is also not a great tool to learn sex ed, which is where many young males get most of theirs. The settings and acts are unrealistic for most people to perform. Many videos do not emphasize consent. While there are some sites that produce ethical porn, it can still distort one’s expectations of sex.

So in the end, what can we as a society do? For one thing, families need to be more comfortable talking about sex. They should not just give a brief gist to their kids. Schools should not handle the rest alone. Another thing is to be more communicative toward potential sex partners. It’s important to be respectful to understand where they are coming from and where you are coming from. Of course, I must say kids should be taught not to vilify sexual urges. Instead, they should learn how to keep them healthy and how to understand them. Sex Ed is not sinful or pornographic. It is another fact of life to be taught to produce happy and healthy human beings.